When we’re struggling, it can feel surprisingly unhelpful to hear that „everyone suffers.“ If we interpret this as a comparison—or as a way of minimising our pain—it isn’t comforting at all.

Common humanity only becomes healing when we stop judging our suffering and recognise it as part of the universal human experience, without diminishing the uniqueness of our own.

Many people feel guilty, dismissed or unseen when they hear phrases like „Other people are suffering too.“ If that’s your reaction, you’re not alone. In fact, it points to a common misunderstanding of what common humanity really means.

Why Doesn’t It Comfort Me That Other People Suffer Too?

Common humanity is the recognition that moments of pain are an inevitable part of being human, just as moments of joy, love and connection are.

It is one of the three core components of self-compassion, as described by Kristin Neff.

When you respond to yourself with self-compassion during a difficult time, you first acknowledge your suffering with understanding and honesty. You then respond to yourself with kindness and wisdom.

Common humanity reminds us that our pain is not evidence that something has gone wrong with us. It is part of the design of human life.

It is an awareness of our connection with all people through our shared capacity to suffer—however well we may hide that suffering from one another.

When we truly understand this, common humanity offers an extraordinary source of comfort, trust in life and a profound sense of connection. I would like to invite you to discover that possibility for yourself.

At this point, you might quite reasonably ask:

„How is that supposed to be comforting? Thinking about other people’s suffering just takes my attention away from my own experience. I wanted, for once, to focus on myself.

Besides, now I feel as though I’m exaggerating. My situation isn’t nearly as bad as what so many other people in the world are going through.“

And this is exactly where many of us understandably stop.

Instead of feeling comforted, we feel guilty.

Or perhaps even angry.

Why Is Common Humanity Easily Misunderstood?

In the Buddhist understanding of compassion, recognising the universality of suffering is a central insight.

For many of us in Western cultures, however, this can be surprisingly difficult to grasp.

We tend to see ourselves as separate individuals competing with one another, rather than as human beings connected through goodwill and our shared vulnerability.

As a result, we often interpret statements about shared suffering through an either-or lens:

Either my suffering deserves compassion…

…or yours does.

Not both.

We compare suffering.

We judge who deserves compassion more.

Someone becomes the „winner“, while everyone else quietly misses out.

This way of thinking profoundly distorts the original meaning of common humanity.

What Common Humanity Does Not Mean

Common humanity is not about saying that everyone’s experience is the same.

It is not:

• Equalising your experience by saying:
  „Since everyone suffers, you have no right to have your own pain acknowledged.“
• Comparing suffering by saying:
  „Only people who suffer enough deserve compassion.“
• Minimising someone’s pain by saying:
  „Your suffering isn’t important because other people have it worse.“
• Self-sacrificing by saying:
  „Because everyone suffers, I should forgive everything and abandon all my boundaries.“

Why Comparing Suffering Only Increases Our Pain

Our tendency to compare suffering often reflects a deeply ingrained Western mindset shaped by achievement and competition.

Even compassion becomes something we imagine must be earned.

This habit of comparison:

• deepens shame
• increases isolation
• prevents genuine human connection

Ironically, it creates the very opposite of what common humanity is meant to offer.

What Does Common Humanity Actually Mean?

Common humanity is the recognition that painful experiences are an unavoidable part of every human life—just as joy, love and connection are.

It is:

• not comparison
• not minimisation
• not a judgement about whose suffering matters more

Instead, it is the simple acknowledgement of a fundamental truth:

No one is exempt from experiencing loss, illness, fear or emotional pain.

In other words, common humanity is an awareness:

• that life is never perfectly predictable or under our control, however much we try to make it so;
• that every one of us experiences both joy and suffering, even though I can never fully know what your experience feels like—and you can never fully know mine;
• that we all share these universal human experiences while living them in our own unique ways;
• and that mature connection through our shared vulnerability has the power to strengthen us all.

How Can Common Humanity Become a Lived Experience?

Common humanity is not simply an idea.

It is an embodied experience of connection.

Here’s a simple practice:

Think of someone else who is going through a similar struggle to your own.

Perhaps they, too, are grieving. Living with anxiety. Feeling rejected. Coping with illness. Parenting an overwhelmed nervous system. Trying to find their place in the world.

Now gently notice the quiet sense of:

„Me too.“

Not,

„My pain is the same as yours.“

Not,

„My suffering doesn’t matter.“

Simply,

„I’m not alone in this.“

For some people, imagining this isn’t enough.

That’s one of the reasons why group programmes can be so deeply healing.

When you hear another real person describe fears, shame or struggles that resemble your own, something begins to soften.

The illusion that everyone else has their life together while you alone are struggling starts to dissolve.

Sometimes we need to witness another human being saying,

„I’ve been there too,“

before our nervous system truly believes it.

Common humanity invites us to recognise:

• the fragility and impermanence of the human body;
• that loss, illness and death are unavoidable parts of life;
• that suffering often arrives without warning;
• that much suffering is not anyone’s fault;
• that life is inherently imperfect;
• and that we are connected with every other human being through these shared realities.

In other words, common humanity invites us to cultivate two complementary perspectives:

An awareness of what it means to be human…

…and a deep sense of connection with others through our shared humanity.

What Does It Mean to Be Human?

This raises an even bigger question.

What does it actually mean to be human?

Being human means more than simply not being an animal.

We have language, art, culture, imagination, spirituality, self-reflection and countless other uniquely human capacities.

But it also means that we are not machines—however much of modern life sometimes encourages us to think and behave as though we were.

A culture that values emotional detachment and cognitive performance above everything else gradually promotes a machine-like image of what it means to be human.

And I believe this is where we run into trouble.

We compare ourselves with machines that can calculate faster, remember more and increasingly outperform us in certain cognitive tasks.

In doing so, we risk losing touch with the extraordinary qualities that make us uniquely human before we’ve even fully appreciated them.

Ironically, the more we idealise artificial intelligence, the more clearly it reflects the narrow values of a performance-driven society—one that overlooks much of what gives human life its richness and meaning.

Thinking and calculating have never been our greatest strengths.

Our brains evolved first and foremost as emotional, relational organs.

That’s precisely why machines impress us so easily.

But perhaps the next time technology fails—when the power goes out or the internet disappears—we’ll be reminded of what no machine can replace.

Love.

Compassion.

Joy.

Intuition.

Imagination.

Creativity.

Sensuality.

Sexuality.

Spirituality.

Wonder.

Awe.

And so much more.

Compassion arises because we recognise suffering in ourselves and in others.

That suffering exists because we live in vulnerable, impermanent human bodies.

Joy arises through our senses—through the warmth of the sun on our skin, music filling our ears, delicious food, beautiful colours and the embrace of another person.

Love grows through goodwill, deep connection and the intimate experience of being fully present with another living being.

From all of these experiences—from living in a human body with both heart and soul—wisdom gradually emerges.

Perhaps this is also what we mean when we describe someone as truly human: someone who treats human life with dignity, respect and compassion.

Embracing Our Imperfect Humanity

Another reason many people reject their humanity in favour of a machine-like ideal is our intolerance of mistakes.

We long to be perfect.

When we make a mistake, we often feel ashamed.

Yet so many discoveries begin with what first appeared to be an error.

Penicillin, for example, was discovered because Alexander Fleming forgot to clean a mouldy Petri dish before leaving for his summer holiday.

What if trying never to make mistakes were a losing battle?

What if a far wiser goal were to strengthen your self-compassion—and with it, your willingness to take responsibility for your actions?

Self-compassion doesn’t mean excusing mistakes.

It means responding to them honestly.

You acknowledge what happened.

You explore what led to it.

You take responsibility where appropriate.

You learn.

And in doing so, you gradually become a wiser human being.

Every mistake becomes an invitation.

Not to become a flawless machine.

But to become more deeply human.

To make peace with your imperfect humanity and continue growing from it.

This awareness of our shared human fallibility gently lifts us out of shame.

It restores empathy—for ourselves and for one another.

Instead of asking,

„What’s wrong with me?“

we begin asking,

„What happened that made this understandable?“

That shift opens the door to deeper understanding, wiser choices and greater compassion.

What Being Human Means to Me

For me, being human means:

• living in an impermanent body and allowing that reality to deepen my appreciation of life and its sensual richness;
• experiencing emotions and sharing them with others;
• making mistakes and learning to forgive both myself and those around me;
• being capable of compassion, love, joy, grief, longing, awe and gratitude.

A society that idealises emotionless performance encourages us to aspire to something machine-like.

Yet what is most deeply human lies elsewhere.

In love.

In compassion.

In intuition.

In creativity.

In sensuality.

In wisdom.

The more you recognise and value these qualities within yourself, the more fully human you become.

And, perhaps even more importantly, the more compassionate you naturally become towards yourself and others.

Frequently Asked Questions About Common Humanity

1. Is it wrong to take my own suffering seriously when other people have it worse?

Not at all.

Suffering is not a competition.

Your pain deserves compassion regardless of what anyone else is going through.

Pain doesn’t have to reach a certain threshold before it becomes worthy of care.

If it hurts, it matters.

• Why does the idea of universal suffering sometimes make me feel angry?

Because it may activate old experiences of being dismissed, invalidated or emotionally unseen.

Your anger may not be a rejection of common humanity itself.

It may be a response to having your own suffering minimised in the past.

• Does common humanity replace self-compassion?

No.

It is one of the three core components of self-compassion.

Common humanity complements self-compassion by adding the dimension of connection.

Remembering that you are not alone helps soften the pain of shame and isolation.

• Why isn’t it enough simply to know that we’re all connected?

Because healing requires more than intellectual understanding.

It involves an embodied transformation of difficult emotions.

Insight alone is rarely enough.

Our minds may understand something long before our hearts and nervous systems truly experience it.

• How can I experience common humanity?

You can experience it directly with others, by sharing something vulnerable with someone you trust and they share, too. Any group in which you feel safe to be you and be vulnerable with , can give you that feeling, too. The Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) Training Programme that is offered by teachers around the globe also offers such  a dedicated safe space for you to be fully human and respond to all of it with great compassion. If that feels too difficult, because you feel isolated and lonely amongst others, then use my audio course Befriending Loneliness to reconnect to yourself first (10% OFF with Coupon Code COURAGE).